What is important, such a strange questions….

Still thinking about determinism, what I should do with my life ad nausea, politically correct / status quo stuff, and my own intelligence.

Over thanksgiving we went to my mom’s house for a couple of days, I knew there was a psycho-analysis I got done while I was at college, so I wanted to take a look at it, I knew there was something in particular that I was curious about.

The analysis was about all sorts of different things and skills, the conclusion was that I was around average with all things considered, but I also remember quite clearly the day of the test, it was early in the morning, like 8, so I was tired (I’m not a morning person), …… and complained many times about how loud the room was and how hard it was to focus on the test. Given all those poor choice and external factors beyond my control, certain results were expected, especially those including short-term memory and focus…. But one stood out to me and that was fluid intelligence, you could look it up if you want, but the short of it, is the ability to problem solve in novel situations, or solve problems that don’t require previous knowledge…

If I think back there are lots of times when I’ve been able to solve problems that other people around me have given up on, even simple things like getting pinball machine to work, or opening a mouse to change the batteries. Also while doing some research on intelligence I found this article, obviously it is pop-psychology (there are better ones), but it is something I have a problem with… My boss commented and I agree that while I was working at home my efficiency improved greatly, and even my friend has commented often about my sensitivity to noise, which probably explains why I like staying at home alone when I want to get things done – yet right now I am procrastinating.

I guess the point, beyond the humble-brag is that I’ve always been aware that I am different, but at least part of that is caused by intelligence, additionally I’m becoming more aware of myself, coming to understand why I do things and behave the ways I do, like a sense of becoming aware of self…. Spinoza said that the key to free will was to realise that while your behaviour is determined you become free by understanding the instinct and causes of your emotions and feelings, which are related to those actions.

That said, I can’t solve the biggest problem in my own life, knowing what to do, one thing I did learn during the time was that writing is what I want to do, but at the same time I’m worried that I could fail or not succeed – which in turn cause procrastination and laziness. At the same time even if I was great that wouldn’t guarantee success, which then means I have to keep on working at a job, but I have no desires to improve my lot at work, cause it isn’t what I want, it’s like being stuck in a hamster wheel and not knowing how to step out.

At the same time, I watch at work and know I don’t have the skills to be successful in an office, I can’t pretend to like people or work that I don’t and I’m caution about answering work related questions with consequences. I’ve to notice that the people who spit out BS confidently get more respect than the contemplatively correct. I’ve also noticed that the types of people who take charge of situations and work (leadership types) often are the biggest maintainers of the status quo and aren’t often right or original, but just confident (most but not all).

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

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