Category Archives: Life

What is important, such a strange questions….

Still thinking about determinism, what I should do with my life ad nausea, politically correct / status quo stuff, and my own intelligence.

Over thanksgiving we went to my mom’s house for a couple of days, I knew there was a psycho-analysis I got done while I was at college, so I wanted to take a look at it, I knew there was something in particular that I was curious about.

The analysis was about all sorts of different things and skills, the conclusion was that I was around average with all things considered, but I also remember quite clearly the day of the test, it was early in the morning, like 8, so I was tired (I’m not a morning person), …… and complained many times about how loud the room was and how hard it was to focus on the test. Given all those poor choice and external factors beyond my control, certain results were expected, especially those including short-term memory and focus…. But one stood out to me and that was fluid intelligence, you could look it up if you want, but the short of it, is the ability to problem solve in novel situations, or solve problems that don’t require previous knowledge…

If I think back there are lots of times when I’ve been able to solve problems that other people around me have given up on, even simple things like getting pinball machine to work, or opening a mouse to change the batteries. Also while doing some research on intelligence I found this article, obviously it is pop-psychology (there are better ones), but it is something I have a problem with… My boss commented and I agree that while I was working at home my efficiency improved greatly, and even my friend has commented often about my sensitivity to noise, which probably explains why I like staying at home alone when I want to get things done – yet right now I am procrastinating.

I guess the point, beyond the humble-brag is that I’ve always been aware that I am different, but at least part of that is caused by intelligence, additionally I’m becoming more aware of myself, coming to understand why I do things and behave the ways I do, like a sense of becoming aware of self…. Spinoza said that the key to free will was to realise that while your behaviour is determined you become free by understanding the instinct and causes of your emotions and feelings, which are related to those actions.

That said, I can’t solve the biggest problem in my own life, knowing what to do, one thing I did learn during the time was that writing is what I want to do, but at the same time I’m worried that I could fail or not succeed – which in turn cause procrastination and laziness. At the same time even if I was great that wouldn’t guarantee success, which then means I have to keep on working at a job, but I have no desires to improve my lot at work, cause it isn’t what I want, it’s like being stuck in a hamster wheel and not knowing how to step out.

At the same time, I watch at work and know I don’t have the skills to be successful in an office, I can’t pretend to like people or work that I don’t and I’m caution about answering work related questions with consequences. I’ve to notice that the people who spit out BS confidently get more respect than the contemplatively correct. I’ve also noticed that the types of people who take charge of situations and work (leadership types) often are the biggest maintainers of the status quo and aren’t often right or original, but just confident (most but not all).

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

Hope Through Deception

When I first broke my ankle the doctors didn’t tell me how long it would before I recovered, they simply said “come in next time and we will tell you how things are going”. At first they said in three weeks we will have a better idea. After three weeks they said in four weeks we will have a better idea. After those seven weeks they said you will need six more weeks.

The reality is that they likely already knew from the beginning that a realistic timeline would be around 12 weeks, but they didn’t tell me. Is it possible that they kept it a secret of sorts so that I could go though the time with hope? Hope that in three weeks things would be better, then hope for four weeks. By the time I got to the point of knowing it would be 12 weeks it wasn’t so bad anymore. After seven weeks of immobility, the worst part was already over and the real getting better was starting.

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

Don’t Hate the Player, Change the Game

We live in a world where the values of a few are pushed upon the rest.  We live in a time where we are expected to live lives that don’t matter for a system that doesn’t care about us or any other living thing.

It is easy to blame capitalism, but the simple truth is that the problem is capitalism. Work and the consumerist lifestyle exist for the benefit of the capitalist system. We are pushed to do what is good for the system at the expense of what is good for us.

Capitalism is the system that has won over the collective because it suits our desires and selfish needs best. At the same time, it works covertly to encourage a lifestyle that leads towards our own collective destruction.

Most morning I rush out of my apartment after rushed through a breakfast that by its very nature of convenience is unhealthy. Then I jaywalk across a busy street because I can’t wait for the crossing light to change.

Soon after, I cramp into a train filled with hundreds of other people in the same situation as myself. We pass under the city in dehumanizing conditions, breathing recycled air so close together that we can feel each others breath.

Most morning someone presses the yellow emergency bar and we all wait in-between stops while they are removed from their train. The saddest part, is that the yellow emergency bar is rarely pressed outside of rush-hour. You may argue that this is because there are fewer people and emergencies are less likely. But I would argue that life is more stressful during rush-hour, so people are more likely to have health problems.

Do a google search and you will find that stress is one of the leading cause of sickness and death.

The leading causes of stress in peoples lives comes down to work and money, though they are essentially the same thing. Our lives by this circumstance are made worse by the capitalist system. However, we are told regularly that the system is what makes our luxurious lives possible.

Recently, I’ve come to think about a common complaint of the losers (the poor) in our current system, they almost always blame the winners (the rich). It seems obvious to blame the rich, as they are benefiting the most and ushers on the continued success of the current system. Unfortunately, they are only doing what they know to do in the situation they have found themselves in.

Sure we can blame the rich, they are winning at the expensive of everyone else, but by that logic we also have to blame the poor, as they are losing to the benefit of everyone else.

The winners and the losers are in the game for the same reason, they do not have a choice. Everyone takes the cards they are dealt and play by the rules they have been taught. People do what they are suppose to do, or at least what they think they are suppose to do.

The system sets the rules and deals the circumstances, we move forward from our given starting points, doing what we think is best. We shouldn’t blame people for doing what they think they’re suppose to do. We need to change the system so that doing what you are suppose to do makes the world better rather than worse.

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

62 km bike ride today

Me and my bike did this long bike ride today, it was awesome, I’d been wanting to try it for a couple of weeks and finally got the chance. Started strong first quarter, slowed down for half with people and other traffic. Updated my tracking app to pro so I think my ride looks better with the stops clocked out (pro feature).

The last part was the best, at some point the rain started, it was cold at first but refreshing and cool. People had stopped under trees to avoid the rain, I pondered pausing under a bridge – but kept going, this was a race and I was on time.

The rain poured splashingly and I was drenched, the sky was my shower. The rain on my head tasted of sweat and covered my face. I raced on passing under a bridge the, the rain stopped, people waited out the storm.

The rain stopped and I started to dry off in the sun. Thinking of my phone it seemed safer in pouch than hands.

At home the pouch, back of the seat, and back of me was covered in sand.

Everything looks like brand new.


Ready my short story: Korean Affair

I want to be an actuary!

I met a girl over the weekend, she was describing her job. I asked “are you an actuary?” She said “how did you know? I figured no one knew what an actuary was?”, she continued “As a kid who would have thought ‘I want to be an actuary!?’ What kid would have ever known what an actuary was? What kid would have even know that an actuary existed?”

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

think about thoughts

Because animals exist we must understand that they are beings like us and we should think of them as simple humans or in similar type to children.

Animals are systems like us humans are systems. They have brains that create thoughts about how to see and understand the world, and they have metaphors like us.

Most people don’t think about what they are, they just are their thoughts, and thinking of causes is beyond them. But it must be a good thing to think about thoughts?

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

We are always put up against two types of people

We are always put up against those who wish to perpetuate the system and an army of which do not care.

It is natural to question reality and the way things are, it is also natural to seek knowledge and higher levels of thought. It is reasonable to go along with reason, but sometimes reason is wrong and doing what is right contradicts what one ought or should do.

There is irony in retracted believing in Ayn Rand, she seems to be a free spirt who has benefited from the anti-rand paradigm we exist in.

Hard work doesn’t always seem to pay, but working smarter pays better.

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

The Unfathomable City

We crowd around and wait while the frigid wind blows against our faces. We pack ourselves into seats or stand leaned against strangers. We breath the stale air and see an endless stream of unfamiliar faces.

More people pack in, someone complains about someone else taking their space. The bus stops to let people off, someone steps up into doorway. The driver says “There is no room, wait for the next one!” The man doesn’t move, so we all wait. The driver tells the man “Get off! I wont close the doors till you leave”. The man begs, the driver sits silently, we wait some more.

At last the bus arrives at my stop, people are crowded around waiting to get on. Out the door and into the cold I push past some slow walkers. A girl and her dog are sitting on the ground beside the station doors, she has a sign, I glance but don’t read it. Around her are paper cups and teabags, she is covered with an old dirty blanket.

A few more steps and there is a old man holding the door open, his head is down. In his other hand he holds a deteriorating Tim Horton’s coffee cup – he shakes it and the coins rattles. Walking through the door and heading down the stairs another man sits on the mucky floor. He is wearing a black jacket covered with band pins, a cain lays across his lap. He is flailing his arms and trying to speak, but no sound comes from his mouth.

The subways reaches my junction. I step out onto the platform, it is crowded and people are walking in every direction. Passing a pillar there is a man slouched over, his old running shoes are torn and the soles are falling off. He holds a tattered tin can that trembles as people walk by.

I wait at the bottom of the stairs, there are so many people that no-one is moving. We slowly ascend to the platform above, people rush past trying to catch the subways below. At the top of the stairs I see my train, people are walking, but not fast enough. I rush through the crowd, dekeing past the slow walkers. The doors start to close and the guy in front of me decides to stop moving. I will not miss this train, so I push through the doors and him, he vanishes into the crowd.

Reaching my stop I enter the mall to pick up a prescription. It is Tuesday so things are quiet, but there are still people everywhere. The pharmacist tells me to come back in half an hour, so I walk around the mall looking at things I don’t want or need.

After wasting some time I’m back in line at the pharmacy. The fidgety guy ahead of me asks for a bunch of syringes, he pays with cash and quickly walks away.

Back into the cold. Crossing a crosswalk a BMW nearly runs me over as it tries to catch a light.

Into my building and into the elevator, two woman talk about their mutual friend who lied about her name to see the same doctor twice. One of them says “The doctor was such a jerk! He wouldn’t do the operations for her.”

Finally the elevator reaches my floor. Walking quickly down the hall I reach the door and pull out my keys. Inside, the cat meows and my girlfriend says hi, I’ve finally escaped the city!

Ready my short story: Korean Affair

The Lonliness of Long Distance Commuters

Rushing down the stairs to the platform, bells chime as the doors close. The acceleration of the subway pulling out of the station forces air up the stairs and against my face. I slow down, there is no longer a need to rush. Down on the platform I join the other commuters, we wait leaning against the wall. There is a gap between me and yellow line, faceless strangers walk past trying to find their spot against the wall.

A timer on a screen says 3 minutes till the next train, I wait silently. Minutes later there is screeching and ringing as another train approaches. Cool air rushes against my face, bells chime and the doors open. The mob of people on the platform cram like sardines into the already packed train. The air inside is stale and warm.

The warm bodies inside push against me from all directions. The smells of perfume, cologne and body order fills my nostrils. As the train sways with the tracks we sway with it. Bodies shove in all directions, I push back, we flow together like water.

The train races towards the core, every few minutes the doors chime and more people fill in, my limited personal space becomes sparse. I try to take a deep breath, but there isn’t enough air.

We pass the junction, people are crowded to the walls, their desperate faces are indistinguishable amongst the crowd…

The doors chime a few more times and people begin to depart. I can finally move and have the space to breath. The bells chime once more, people plump out and there is room for pushups. The train approaches my stop, now only the seats are taken.

Out and onto the platform a voice yells ‘These stairs are for entry only, use the stairs at the ends of the platform.’ I follow the crowd and slowly walk up the creaking temporary staircase, people pass on the way down to their commute. Another crowd, but this one is coming from all directions, passing through a turnstile I become part of the mass.

Taking a few quick steps I avoid most of the people trying to pass through the underground path. Opening a door I head up an escalator and into the light. I’m inside an office building, the sun shines through the windows in all directions. Another door and finally into the world. People are lined up, but I don’t know why, I continue to the bus stop. The air is beyond crisp, my parka is barely enough.

A bus passes, then another, then another, finally mine. I walk straight to the door, so do all the people from that line. We pile in and I grab a seat, rest at last. We bump along, again the sun shines in all directions. People are standing, but there is room for more. Occasionally the bells rings and people get off, the bus is emptying out.

More twists and turns, more bells ringing, more people departing, we are approaching the end of the line. Pulling the rope the bell rings, it’s only me and the bus driver at this point.

The doors open and I step back into the cold, the wind blows against my face, the sun is bright and for a moment I am free.

Ready my short story: Korean Affair